The narcissistic discard is the last phase of the narcissistic cycle of abuse. When the narcissist sees that he can’t get any more benefit from you, he leaves you out of the blue. No explanation, no apologies, no remorse.
He sees you not as a person, but as a thing: you are like a pen that ran out of ink. But in your case what has been emptied is your soul. Your inner strength.
I know it’s hard for me to say it just like that, but that’s the way it is, I’m saying it based on my own experience. And my humble intention is that you react, understand, and leave him before he hurts you more. Let’s continue.
The narcissistic discard can be more or less abrupt. It may depend on the economic situation, on how you react to his manipulations, or whether or not he already has another partner waiting at the corner.
This way that narcissists have of ending a relationship really shocks the victim. For better or worse, up until that point you had certain routines in your life. Now your life is shattered into pieces.
The discard leaves us with a sense of emptiness. Of something unfinished. We want to give closure to the relationship and we can’t. We’re thinking endlessly about what did I do, why did I do this or that, what happened, is it my fault? etc. And that’s exhausting.
Why narcissists discard you
We could talk about 3 reasons for narcissistic discarding. All three have in common that they are abrupt, rude. Why? Because he never loved you. He has no feelings for you, so he has no difficulty leaving you. Just as if your cell phone breaks down, you buy another one.
The sooner you understand this, and what he has done and will do with any woman who crosses his path, the easier it will be for you to overcome it.
He found a better supply
You are not enough for his purposes. He has sought another victim who will serve him better. That is, one he can manipulate better. Remember, he wasn’t in love with you and he’s not in love with the next one. You can be sure of that.
You have discovered and challenged him
The biggest concern of narcissists is to maintain control. If you challenge him, he loses it. He can’t afford to have lost control, so he recovers it by discarding you.
He’s bored with you
Hopefully, you followed the gray rock method and have achieved your goal: that he gets tired of his “toy” (you) and looks for another one.
If you have not been so lucky, you are by now exhausted, empty because of the toxic relationship and he has no more fuel to squeeze out of you. You are not useful to him.
Whether you’ve sought the discard to end the relationship, or it has simply exhausted you, the result is that you are no longer useful to him. And if you don’t serve him, he leaves you. That’s it.
And he will do it in the worst possible way at the worst possible time.
What to do about the narcissistic discard
To go celebrate and have a drink with your friends! No, seriously. I know it hurts at first. I don’t know at what stage of your relationship/recovery you’ll be reading this, but I can only tell you one thing: you don’t know how lucky you’ve been.
Now what you have to do is to be strong and stay away. Don’t wait or wish for him to come back. Everyone has to move on with their life. Or maybe what you need to do is to start it. A new life away from the narcissist. As far away as you can and disconnected from him and his environment.
A word of advice: don’t try to reason with him, don’t try to negotiate, don’t try to get closure of the relationship. The narcissist will try to come back if he lacks his supply, so he won’t close the door. You must do it yourself.
And of course don’t try to go back to him! Go no contact.
What happens after the narcissistic discard
The recovery phase is starting. You’re on the right track!
You may have a choking feeling. Like you’re jonesing for him. This is because ending your relationship with a narcissist has, in some ways, the same effects as quitting drugs. Your body needs to feel what it’s been living for all this time. Even if it’s suffering.
You are suffering from the traumatic bond. The worse he made you go through, the closer you are to him.
At this point you have to be very vigilant that the narcissist doesn’t come after you: this is when he might use hoovering, that is, to try to get you back with him. You are very hurt and weak, and he knows it. But going back to him will not ease your pain, but will cause you more, because when you least expect it, he will discard you again, and it will be worse than before.
How to get over the narcissist discard
Get information, understand, accept.
This is key: you cannot give it an “official” closure, but you can get information and understand what has happened so that you can close that stage yourself. The goal is to come to terms with what has happened, that you are not to blame and that the narcissist has already mistreated others in the same way and will do so again and again until his death.
When narcissists leave, they always leave the same way. The narcissist discard has no closure. You don’t have to look for more explanations, because there aren’t any. The only thing to do is to understand and to accept it.
Above all, don’t take it personally. It is complicated, I know, but it is very important: understand that you were only an object in their hands. Like all the people who have entered his life.
What do you get out of it?
- I stop spinning the coconut. All you’ll get is a headache. But you’re not going to solve anything.
- You get rid of the feeling of guilt. Understand that you haven’t done or stopped doing anything that would mean the end of the relationship.
The narcissist after the discard
Perhaps something that would help you is to understand that he will never bond with anyone. This individual cannot give or receive love, therefore he is a parasite.
What will he do? Well, he will find himself another victim as quickly as he can to start the cycle of abuse all over again. It is his life. Like sharks, scorpions, or vultures. Each one of them has got its own way of life. As disgusting as it may be to others.